So she does have emotions. I thought she was really some kind of unearthly ghost. I turned over and buried myself under the covers.
When I said all that to Xu Ni, I wasn’t trying to antagonize her. This three-bedroom apartment just didn’t have my own room.
I once did that cramped, dark study room. But when Xu Ni started piano lessons, and they needed to put that expensive piano in there, Shen Fang cleared out my room and enclosed part of the balcony with folding doors.
That space was so tiny even a single bed wouldn’t fit.
So Shen Fang bought me a folding bed.
My dad, Xu Guoyong, objected, saying, "How is Si supposed to live like this?"
But Shen Fang didn't care. "What else can we do? The house is only so big. Teacher Bai said Ni Ni has a real gift for piano. We all have to make sacrifices for her. If Si was as talented as Ni Ni, maybe I’d treat her better."
Dad was quiet for a long while, sighing at last. Since then, I’ve lived on a narrow balcony for almost ten years.
I’ve hated Shen Fang, hated Dad. But most of all, I hated Xu Ni.
She casually enjoyed everything. Even when Shen Fang berated, mistreated, or beat me, Xu Ni never said a word on my behalf.
Countless times, I looked at her with hope, only to turn to disappointment.
I even thought her gaze was pleasure at my misery.
She hated me as much as I hated her.
But why should she hate me?
That night, I slept unrestfully, buried in dreams.
I saw Shen Fang and Dad.
But there were more dreams of Xu Ni and Zhou Wei.
Xu Ni falling from the rooftop, her skull shattered.
Screams and chaos all around.
Voices shaking my shoulders, demanding, "Why wasn’t it you who died?"
The terrifying faces became clear it was Zhou Wei.
He gripped my neck and growled, grinding his teeth, "Why wasn’t it you who died?"
I woke drenched in sweat.
Opening the door, I saw Zhou Wei standing in the doorway, blushing and facing Xu Ni, looking lovestruck and innocent.
"Xu Ni, good morning. Have you eaten breakfast yet? I bought some food. Want to try?"
He held out his hand, proud.
Xu Ni held the door, not letting him in.
"No, thank you. May I ask why you’re here?"
Zhou Wei froze, eyes drifting to me.
"I’m here to see Xu Si."
He looked disappointed all the way, saying nothing. Even when I slipped food from his hand, he didn’t react.
After eating a bowl of wonton soup and drinking soy milk, he handed me a meat bun.
"From Chen’s your favorite beef bun. You’re always saying you miss it. It’s still open, so eat up."
I stopped in my tracks.
Chen’s beef buns thin skin, big filling, oily, spicy my favorite breakfast throughout high school, especially with soy milk.
I had mentioned many times how much I missed this breakfast. But Zhou Wei never responded before. So it wasn’t that he didn’t care he just didn’t want to talk to me.
Thinking this, I kicked the back of his calf hard.
Zhou Wei gasped.
"You’re crazy. Losing it again."
"You don’t want to talk to me? Fine, I don’t want to talk to you either."
"Goodbye. Never see you again."
He shouted after my retreating back in frustration.
Two hours later, at a dessert shop, our eyes met again.
"What are you doing here?"
"Welcome."
He looked confused, I forced a smile.
The shop was called One Sweet Spot, run by Zhou Wei’s cousin.
At that moment, Zhou Wei was grilling his cousin.
"You hired her? Don’t you know she’s a minor?"
His cousin smiled.
"If you don’t say it, I won’t say it who’d know she’s underage?"
Zhou Wei glared, then asked me:
"Why did you come here looking for work? Why do you want a job?"
I replied, "None of your business."
I worked all afternoon, greeting customers. Zhou Wei sat sulking in a corner. Hours later, I saw him dozing. His cousin nudged me.
"Do you think my little bro likes you? Are you two an item?"
I packed up a table.
"He likes my sister."
"My twin sister who looks exactly like me."
"Woah, stand-in story? He’s that much of an animal?"
"Wait for me, I’m gonna beat him up."
Good news one: Zhou Wei got beaten by his cousin and ran out of the shop. Good news two: I passed the trial and got the part-time job ten yuan an hour, double pay on holidays, paid monthly.
Leaving the shop, Zhou Wei was still crouched in a corner. He stood up when he saw me.
"Spill it."
"Can’t you speak nicely? Just let me go."
"What did you say to my sister? Why did she hit me?"
I rolled my eyes, not wanting to deal. But Zhou Wei grabbed my arm.
"Xu Si, you’ve been living on the balcony? Why? You have three rooms at home, why live on the balcony? And you bought that huge house and ordered a massive bed just because of this? Why do you sleep in the study whenever I’m not home? And...."
"And what?"
I shook him off.
"We have no relationship now. Not now, and never in the future. Mind your business. Stay out of my affairs."
Yes, I wanted what I never had. I bought that big house and giant bed because I never had them. But that big house and bed only scared me. Only in the cluttered study, lying on the narrow sofa bed, did I feel safe. How ironic, how tragic. I thought growing up would make up for my childhood losses. But it’s just lifelong poverty.
Chapter 02
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